Why does domestic violence go unreported?
Posted on: 2013/03/11
The Bureau of Justice estimates that only 70 per cent of domestic abuse cases get reported. There are several reasons why this happens.
Economic: One method abusers use to control their victims is to make them economically dependent. Many victims of abuse feel that leaving or reporting would leave them homeless or otherwise economically ruined. Even though the abusive relationship is dangerous, victims have learned to cope and prefer the “devil they know” to the “devil they don’t know.”
Hope for Change: The abuse cycle often does involve at least a show of remorse on the part of the abuser. After the abuser breaks down crying or shows some other sign of regret, the victim feels as if an end to the abuse may be near. He/she doesn’t want to abandon someone whom they love.
Isolation: Again, another controlling behavior by abusers is to socially isolate their victims. This means controlling contact with friends and family members. This way, the victim is limited in his/her resources that may be needed to facilitate an escape.
Societal denial: This is often the case with abusers who are “cobras” and in smaller communities where the abuser may have some local standing. The victim fears reporting the abuse because nobody would believe it. Indeed, the cobra type of abuser has probably done an outstanding job of providing an adorable public face.
In small communities, even involving the local police might seem threatening to the victim. In these cases, it’s good to know that there are resources you can avail yourself of that are outside your locale.
Threats of reprisal: In many cases, the abuser has made overt threats about what would happen if the abuse gets reported. These threats can range from death to taking the kids in a custody case.
This is why we discussed the non-physical signs of abuse before. These are often “safeguards” used by the abuser to cement his/her control. If the victim feels economically and socially isolated, physically intimidated and has no means of support outside the relationship, the threats of the abuser are very real. While the abuse is potentially life-threatening, the consequences of reporting can seem more dangerous to the victim.
Next: we discuss the process of leaving.
(Please note that the components of our parenting course are intended for educational purposes only. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute mental health therapy, give information on specific mental health disorders nor medications to treat mental health disorders. Participants are encouraged to discuss specific mental health questions with a licensed mental health therapist of their choice. Also, please note that the legal component of our Florida parenting course found at www.FloridaParentingClassNow.com provides only general Florida family law principles. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute legal advice. The participant should consult with a licensed attorney for answers to specific legal questions.)
Recognizing Abuse and Getting Help
Posted on: 2013/02/26
Recognizing Abuse
If abuse was that easy to spot, it wouldn’t be such a huge problem. While much of the time abuse becomes physical, it also involves some other more subtle manipulative behaviors. Abusers want to control their victims and do so through a variety of methods:
- pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
- threatening a partner, children, other family members or pets
- threatening suicide to get a family member to do something
- using or threatening to use a weapon
- keeping or taking a partner’s paycheck
- using insulting or belittling language
- forcing their partner to have sex or to do sexual acts he/she is opposed to
- keeping partners/children from seeing friends, family or from going to work
If these behaviors are occurring in your household, you are likely the victim of abuse. As you can see, only two of the above behaviors involve aggressive physical actions. In fact, it’s the physical actions that may be the culminating behaviors. Abusers often exhibit some of the other signs before the physical behaviors set in.
How to Get Help
The most important factor is the safety of you and your children. If you feel that you are at risk, call 911 or your local police immediately. Removing the threat of danger is the most important step. The police will be able to secure your immediate safety and that of your children. They can also ensure anyone gets any medical attention that might be needed.
This will ensure the immediate safety of you and your children and also serve as the first step toward breaking free of the cycle of abuse and the control of the abuser. By having police document a call for domestic abuse and taking physical evidence (pictures of bruises/cuts, broken furniture, etc.) you can provide grounds for securing a domestic violence injunction. This may be called something else in your state if your are not in Florida. Even if your abuser has legal counsel that can get them out of jail for the domestic event the police initially responded to, the injunction can make it a criminal act for him/her to be anywhere near you or your children or to make any kind of threats against you.
The police and/or medical doctors can also provide you with information about any shelters for victims of abuse in your community. These missions provide safe shelter and sustenance for abuse victims needing to quickly find a temporary living space. Hopefully, you won’t have to leave your home. But know that this is an option for your immediate safety.
If possible, tie in with supportive family members and/or co-workers. They may be able to provide some assistance in the short-run. At the least, they can provide the emotional support you’re going to need during the separation process.
There is a nationwhide domestic abuse hotline where you can obtain information about your options. By calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), you’ll be put in touch with a domestic abuse counselor who will listen to your situation and let you know what you can do. This is a safe call that won’t trigger any automatic responses by law enforcement or divulge your identity in any way.
(Please note that the components of our parenting course are intended for educational purposes only. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute mental health therapy, give information on specific mental health disorders nor medications to treat mental health disorders. Participants are encouraged to discuss specific mental health questions with a licensed mental health therapist of their choice. Also, please note that the legal component of our Florida parenting course found at www.FloridaParentingClassNow.com provides only general Florida family law principles. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute legal advice. The participant should consult with a licensed attorney for answers to specific legal questions.)
Domestic Violence: Power and Control
Posted on: 2013/02/10
Why does domestic violence occur?
It’s not easy to pinpoint, but in virtually all cases of abuse there is some element of power and control. There could be any number of reasons why the abuser feels the need to exercise that power and control. Regardless, somewhere along the line, the abuser learned to use violence as a means to achieve an end -- control over a victim.
Abusers aren’t easy to spot most of the time. There are those who are classified as “pit bulls” who are easier to recognize. These are the people who show a permanently angry disposition. They are mean people, easily angered and prone to violent outbursts. Because this is a part of their everyday personality, they’re also pretty easy to steer clear of.
Then there are the “cobras.” These of the individuals who can be smiling, having a lovely chat on the phone and then hang up and punch their spouse in the face because he/she was making too much noise while they were trying to talk.
Cobras are often quite friendly and sociable at work or in general public gatherings. But deep down, there is an insecurity that drives them to exert their power and control. Spouses and children are most often their targets.
Make no mistake, though. Abuse is not accidental. It’s a habit, a dangerous and destructive habit. Most often abusers are males who abuse females and/or children, but that’s not always the case. There are many cases of females abusing males and even children abusing parents.
Most abusers have learned to be pretty good at it. Even though their displays of power are mostly physical in nature, it’s the psychological control that makes them dangerous. In most cases, they’ve grown up in an abusive environment themselves and have learned the “tricks of the trade” from their own experiences.
Those include the ability to do physical harm where it won’t be made publicly obvious. The bruises are to areas on the torso or other parts usually covered by clothing. They also have an uncanny ability to make the victim feel responsible for their own abuse. “If I didn’t make him so mad, he wouldn’t hit me.”
Next: Recognizing abuse and getting help.
(Please note that the components of our parenting course are intended for educational purposes only. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute mental health therapy, give information on specific mental health disorders nor medications to treat mental health disorders. Participants are encouraged to discuss specific mental health questions with a licensed mental health therapist of their choice. Also, please note that the legal component of our Florida parenting course found at www.FloridaParentingClassNow.com provides only general Florida family law principles. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute legal advice. The participant should consult with a licensed attorney for answers to specific legal questions.)
Five Parenting Mistakes that Increase Anxiety in Children
Posted on: 2012/12/13
Childhood anxiety was once something that most people passed off as a simple development issue – something that children will grow out of over time. Some children do, since life experience and a variety of situational factors change personalities, and by the time your child is an adult, they may have outgrown their anxiety completely.
But studies show that as many as 50% of all children with anxiety in their youth will experience anxiety as a result, and as a parent, it's in your best interests to try to ensure that your child doesn't become one of those 50%. Part of that is going to be positive encouragement, social experiences, etc., but another part of raising an anxiety free child is preventing some of the mistakes that parents make that increase or support anxiety in their children.
Anxiety Mistakes to Avoid
You can't control your child's upbringing 100%, and even if you avoid all mistakes you may still have a child that suffers from anxiety. Anxiety is partially genetic, and partially related to experiences outside of your control. But avoiding the following mistakes can drastically improve the likelihood your child will be anxiety free.
Not Working on Your Own Anxiety
Children learn from what they see. It's been found that parents that are afraid of spiders often have children that are also afraid of spiders, because they see their mother or father reacting to spiders and learn to feel that spiders are frightening. It's the same with all anxiety. If you allow yourself to succumb to anxiety, you'll often find that your children will be more likely to experience anxiety themselves, especially as they get older.
Reinforcing Fearful Behaviors
Parents often feel like they have to always be there to protect their child, and in many ways they do. But those same protective instincts may be counterproductive. If your child is showing fear in a situation that shouldn't cause fear, and you reward that fear by hugging them and kissing them and crying and telling them they're going to be okay – or even worse, taking them from the situation and apologizing to them – they're going to feel that their fear was justified, and they'll be more likely to be fearful in the future.
Closing Them Off From the World
Your child needs as many experiences as possible to get an idea of how to handle the world. This includes not only spending time with friends and going on interesting trips – it also includes staying up to date on pop culture in order to engage in conversations, and watching their parents enjoy fun activities in order to see how adults interact. Experiences are important for reducing anxiety, and overprotective parents can sometimes raise over-anxious children.
Avoiding Exercise
Studies have long linked the importance of exercise in adult mental health, and children often need to exercise even more than adults. Your child needs to be outdoors and as active as possible. They need to be running, playing sports, playing make believe, etc. Unless they burn off their excess energy, they're increasing the likelihood that their extra energy turns into anxiety.
Sharing Worst Case Scenarios
Parents often try to get their child to understand the dangers around them. In moderation, this is okay, but there needs to be a line. Some parents respond too quickly to a potentially dangerous event, and often tell their children all of the things that could have happened to them and why they're worried. Children that are already showing tendencies for anxiety may respond by assuming dangers all around them, and feeling of anxiety that causes.
Control What You Can
A parent that raises an anxious child shouldn't feel bad – you can't control everything, and there is no way to ensure anxiety won't happen. But there are things you can do to reduce the likelihood of your child developing anxiety, and the above tips should help.
About the Author: Ryan Rivera had anxiety as a child himself, and as he got older he realized how much his loving parents accidentally contributed to that anxiety. Now he writes about anxiety information for others at www.calmclinic.com.
(Please note that the components of our parenting course are intended for educational purposes only. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute mental health therapy, give information on specific mental health disorders nor medications to treat mental health disorders. Participants are encouraged to discuss specific mental health questions with a licensed mental health therapist of their choice. Also, please note that the legal component of our Florida parenting course found at www.FloridaParentingClassNow.com provides only general Florida family law principles. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute legal advice. The participant should consult with a licensed attorney for answers to specific legal questions.)
Telling the Children About the Divorce: What to Say?
Posted on: 2012/11/05
Here are some more specific things to say when you meet with the children to discuss the divorce. Don't treat this as a script, but as a list of ideas and starting points for your own conversations with the children.
“Your dad/mom and I are getting a divorce” or “We are getting a divorce.”
“We have been disagreeing for a while. We did all we could to try to stay together. But we both agree we need a divorce. We know you don’t want this. But it is what we have to do.”
“The divorce has nothing to do with you. You may think it’s your fault. But the divorce is not your fault. There is nothing you did or could have done differently. The divorce is not about you or anything you did.”
“Both of us love you. And we will always love you. And you will spend a lot of time with both of us after the divorce. We both will always be there for you.”
“You are going to live with me on … (insert days) and you will live with your dad/mom on… (insert days). And we are going to both see you on holidays and special occasions.” Remember that in Florida, “custody” and “visitation” are no longer the words to use. Don’t use them here. Just state the times and days when you will each be with the children. Keep it simple and clear. Be generous and allow both parents plenty of time with the children. Get into the specifics of upcoming holidays if necessary.
“I know this is difficult for you.”
“I am sorry that you have to go through this.”
“I’m going to stay here until … (insert day). But then I’ll be moving to … (insert new location). I’d like you to help me choose the furniture/paint for your new room at my place.”
“There is nothing you did to cause the divorce. There is nothing you could have done differently to prevent the divorce. This is true because the divorce is not your fault.”
“The divorce is not either parent’s fault. We are unhappy together. In order to be happy, we have agreed to live in separate homes from now on.”
“We both love you with all of our hearts. And we always will.”
“If you have questions about how things are going to work, just ask. Whenever you need to talk to us about the divorce or anything else, just ask.”
“You may want us to stay married, to keep living together. But this is a final decision. We spent a lot of time talking it over. We are not going to change this decision. There's nothing you can do to change our decision.”
“Kids sometimes think that if they behaved better or did better in school or changed something, that their moms and dads would stay together. But that’s not true. It’s not true because a divorce is not about anything a kid did. It’s about disagreements between the parents, not about the kids. We love you. We tried to stay together. But it didn’t work out. And we’ve made a final decision to divorce.”
(Please note that the components of our parenting course are intended for educational purposes only. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute mental health therapy, give information on specific mental health disorders nor medications to treat mental health disorders. Participants are encouraged to discuss specific mental health questions with a licensed mental health therapist of their choice. Also, please note that the legal component of our Florida parenting course found at www.FloridaParentingClassNow.com provides only general Florida family law principles. The presentation of this material is not intended to constitute legal advice. The participant should consult with a licensed attorney for answers to specific legal questions.)
